For The First Time Mom Said It

Today, after coming back from the gym at night, I thought I'd call Mom and talk to her. My head is hurting so much, even right now as I'm writing this article.

This gym trainer job is too tiring for me. I have a 10-hour shift, and when I come back to my room at 10 PM, my whole body hurts so much that I just want to sleep. I don't even feel like eating dinner.

But I've to study for tech interviews so that I can get a software engineering job. That's what I actually want to do. That's the career I'm trying to build. But after working at the gym all day, I barely have any energy left, let alone time to study.

So I called Mom and told her that I'm not able to cope with this job anymore. I'm not able to handle this kind of tiredness. And I don't have any other option right now. I told her that I want to leave this job.

But when I said that, Mom said something to me for the first time. Something that hit so hard that I still can't process it.

She said that I could leave the job and come back home, but I should keep in mind that if, in the future, I ever ask them for money to move to another city for a job search, they won't be able to afford it.

This was the first time Mom had ever said something like this to me.

And I just stopped speaking.

There were no words coming out of my mouth. I had tears in my eyes, but somehow, I held myself together and continued talking to her normally.

But Mom is right, too.

Our family is already in so much debt. I know that. I know how difficult things are for them financially. She's probably frustrated and worried, too. I understand that she can't keep arranging money for me every time I need to move somewhere or try something new.

But still, I don't know why, hearing those words from her hurt so much.

Maybe because, somewhere inside, I always believed that even if things went wrong, I could go home, figure things out, and try again. Knowing that even that might not be an option anymore feels different.

I'm already struggling here in Bangalore. I'm trying to manage this job, my health, my sleep, and my studies. I'm trying to find a way out of this situation and get the software engineering job I've been working towards.

And now, I don't even know what to do.

My head is hurting sooo haaarrrd while writing this article. I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I just feel so bad.

I wish things were easier. I wish I could focus on studying, get a good job, start earning well, and help my family get out of debt. I wish I could do something that would make things easier for Mom and Dad instead of worrying them even more.

I don't know how things will turn out. I really don't.

But I hope Hanuman Ji will turn everything into something good.

He's the only one I can put my faith in right now. I'm already in His sharan. I've surrendered myself to Hanuman Ji.

I don't feel like I have control over anything anymore. My circumstances, my future, everything feels uncertain.

So now, I'm leaving it all to Him.

Whatever happens, whatever I do, I want to believe that Hanuman Ji is guiding me through it. That even when I can't see a way forward, He can.

I don't know what's waiting for me ahead.

I just hope He'll make everything right someday.